MEMORY LANE

So, I'm taking this trip.  It's a trip I have taken many, many times before.  It's usually the occasional visit, but lately I seem to live in the neighborhood that houses Memory Lane.  I am a mom.  There is no way humanly possible to explain to someone how it is that a mom has all of her memories of her children etched on her heart, but it's true.  And right about now, Memory Lane is a crazy place to be.  You see, my firstborn just graduated!  While it may seem odd that this creates such insane feelings for me (I mean, for goodness sake, it's only eighth grade; she's not going into college!) I am watching my "baby", my "little girl" turn into a beautiful, sweet, intelligent young woman.  And it's crazy!

I look at her and what do I see? No more little chubby cheeks and tight, curly locks that flow to her waist. I don't see bruised legs and little hands.  I see a young WOMAN!  I see muscular calves and awesome curves, eyes that twinkle with the new wonder that life is bringing her and maturity beyond belief.  It's amazing and hard all at the same time.  My eyes have been moistened with tears more times than I care to count in the last two weeks.  When I watched her receive her MVP trophy for track, when she was honored with the President's award for Academic Excellence, when she walked up to get her Honors Pin.  But even more when I watched her dance with her daddy for the father/daughter dance and when I watched her and her girlfriends giggle as they took group shots -- all dressed in clothing fit for a woman, not little girls.  Heels, hair, nails; the whole nine yards.  And when I took a "couples picture" and she was the other half of a couple; how I watched a young man look at her with such sweetness that I found I had a lump in my throat!  And my trip down Memory Lane started.

 THEN:

NOW:

This time it wasn't a short stint in this place, it's been a mini vacation.  And I was through this neighborhood, and walk down this lane, I visit all my fellow moms (and dads) littering this land where they are all watching the reels of their children's lives passing before them.  I watch their eyes mist and hear when their hearts mutter silent prayers of thanks, protection and awe, just as mine does.  We sit there, on the curb of this lane, shell-shocked -- knowing that it's happening but not knowing how it happens so fast!  Loving every moment,but trying to hold on for just a bit longer.  So excited for the possibilities that life has in store for them, but so torn by the memories of these little ones -- so dependant on us, their lives revolving around us and what we provide for their survival, their little wings barely showing and wonder what will be.  So, we loosen our grip, allow the wings that are almost fully grown (ALMOST) and we watch them take their baby steps to leaving the nest and again, a silent prayer -- of thanks, protection and awe.  So for now, I think I will just hang out on this street, this Lane, for a bit.  I will take it all in.  I will treasure the shots flashing through my mind, as I hold tight for what's in store next and then, whatever is created by the next part of her life...I will keep those guarded in this neighborhood and revisit in until my last days!

Wicked - For Good

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason...

One of my ultimate favorite songs, for many reasons.  This song is dedicated to a very special young lady who is one of the most important people in my life. She knows who she is!  :)

Spring has Sprung

Yay!  Spring is here -- flowers blooming, sunny days, renewal and...you guessed it:  Spring Cleaning!  It's one of my favorite times of year.  I love, love, love a clean house.  I hate clutter!  Detest of it (sorry, mom, and mimi, but I do)!  So while I am constantly getting rid of things and cleaning out -- toys, books, clothes, etc. -- and giving away, handing down, tossing out, this time of year I go "gung ho" and it's the closets, the drawers, the little teenie tiny spaces all around the house that think they are safe!  Oh, nooooo, you are not!  Not with this crazed spring cleaner around! 

Today, however, I realized that although I try to live a mostly simple, clutter-free life, there is a bit of a hoarder in me that I still can't seem to shake!  Bill statements and check stubs from 2009?  Really?  But...you know...I may need those one day!  (Again, this is thanks to my grandparents and Nonny and Papa Joe)  What if Direct TV gives me an issue and I need to pull out the aforementioned statement and give them all the handwritten information such as date and time and name and detail of the customer service call I made (forget that I no longer have Direct TV as a provider and forget that I do online banking).  What if somewhere along the line, someone needs to know what I made the pay period of November 1-14, 2008?  Yikes!  So, I did what I should do...I purged!  Each and every last one of those items.  So, I have two drawers and a closet down -- lots more to go!  The rest of my house will crumble around me for a few weeks as I clean and toss and purge and donate and give away the many items I need to.  In the midst of this craziness,  I will experience moments of bliss and joy and memories (like today when I found a handwritten note from my Helen declaring it her "thank you day", not wanting to wait til Thanksgiving to thank us for all we had done for her, or the pictures of my kids when they were babies and little kids and just last year, that lingered in drawers, or the shrinky dink hand turkey I made for my grandmother at age four and she gave back to me two years ago with a sweet note and -- oh the joy -- when I found not one, but two, pairs of headphones!  Then normalcy will resume and I will have a clutter-free home once again...until next month's statements come, that is!  :)

                                                                                                       

The Glass is Half Full

My blog today is dedicated to my awesome cousin, David Pitsenbarger.  My cousin one of the strongest, courageous, positive men I know.  You see, today David is celebrating his son, Braydon's, two year anniversary of "receiving his wings."  His son, Braydon, died of Cystic Fibrosis two years ago today, when he was 15 years old.   I didn't have the pleasure of knowing Braydon.  You see, up until six months ago, I didn't have the pleasure of knowing David.  A year ago, I did some soul searching (key word "searching") and then went on a search for family.  I found David six months ago and within moments of my message to him, his response followed -- immediately accepting and loving.  He remembered me!  And from that date on, he has filled the role of surrogate big brother to me.  He harasses me endlessly, checks in daily, and gives me support, encouragement and advice.  Aside from my wonderful husband, he is the most giving husband and father I know.  So, today, on  Braydon's anniversary, I honor my cousin.  He has lost two children to CF.  He has a son at home, Toby, who has CF.  Yet, EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME we text, email, facebook, live chat or talk on the phone, his glass is always half full!

I could not imagine the pain of losing a child -- never, even in my worst nightmares, could I imagine going through that.  And not once, but twice.  And, yet, he doesn't give up or give in -- doesn't give in to complaints, negativity.  We communicate daily -- and have done so for the last six months -- and I have heard him say only once that he was tired!  He is always happy.  Yes, he misses his son.  Yes, he has his problems, but he plows through them.  He feels the feelings and then moves on.  He pours all his energy into his family -- his beautiful wife and kids, who are also super amazing.  He obviously has passed his wonderful view of life on to them.  I think about him all the time, when I am down and feeling sorry for myself.  I think how he just doesn't.  He takes what life has given him and he deals.  He lives and he enjoys and he loves.  He is super honest, super forgiving, and if he thinks for even one moment that he has hurt your feelings, he remedies it immediately. He is the man all men should be.  As I stated, I am blessed enough to be married to an amazing man, but how wonderful for me to also be blessed with another strong, faithful, wonderful caring man in the form of my cousin.

And when I asked why he would have a three-day weekend this weekend, he advised that the entire family will be taking the day off.  To do what, you may ask?  To celebrate! To celebrate the life of Braydon!  To visit him at the cemetery, go out and do fun stuff all day in his memory, be happy and relive all their memories of him!  Have you ever heard anything so amazingly wonderful and positive?  I am sure Braydon is smiling down on his daddy today, as he does everyday!  I told David the other day when I grow up, I wanna be like him!  :)  He takes no credit, of course, always humble (unless he is ruthlessly harassing me) and says he's just a man who loves his family.  And that he is.  But he's something else.  He could have so easily throw in the towel, and it would have been excusable and understandable.  He could have given in to all the negative feelings that I am sure go along with a traumatic event such as the loss of a child.  But, instead, he lives -- for his family, for his son.  I told him he has taken the road less traveled and he needs to be proud of himself; a lot of us would not have been able to do so.  He's my big brother, my cousin, and my friend.

So, Pits, I raise my full glass (not half full, completely full -- overflowing full) to you.  You are a shining example to us all and I love you, brat!  :)

Where did the time go???

Taking a break from the 30-day challenge, as my mind has been swirling with thoughts...thoughts of time and where it has gone.  I am sure many mommies do this; heck, everyone does it!  Sometimes we are in situations or times in our lives where time seems to stand still, when we just want that time to be over, we wanna move the hands of time and set it reeling in fast forward motion.  But in real-time, mommy time, many of us have moments (oh so  many moments) when we just want time to stand still.

This weekend, I heard a song -- a song I have listened to, hummed, adored and loved, not to mention belted out to both of my little ones when they were babies -- "Baby Mine" from Dumbo!  I went to a cotillion Saturday and as we celebrated the beautiful debutante's entrance into adulthood, a video played in the background with the wonderful words of the aforementioned song.  I felt the lump in my throat.  Looked around to see other mommies wiping their eyes -- some with small children, some with pre-teens and teens, and some with adult children.  I then looked at my own children -- standing there in a beautiful dress and up-do (and "smokey eyes") and the other in a suit and tie -- ready to perform their waltz for the beautiful debutante and asked myself again "Where has the time gone?"  Where are my babies!  Right before me of course.  Always my babies, just not quite babies anymore!

The words have cascaded through my mind and heart in the days since and last night I moistened my pillow with tears thinking of all the moments I have had the joy and blessings of having with my children.  I have enjoyed every stage and still do.  I have read to them in utero, have watched their first little trembling mouths cry and, as of late, watched their cheeks flush with a newfound crush, or seen them perform with the confidence of adults.  I feel their need for mommy slipping away, and it breaks my heart, but then I remember the need for mommy never leaves, just changes.  It no longer means feed me, burp me, change me, hold me, entertain me.  It now means teach me, nurture me, boost my confidence, listen to me (even when I am not speaking), be there for me and, yes, sometimes, still...hold me!  I will always be their mommy and they will always be my babies and, as time marches on, I will always have those moments of wanting time to stand still and pause for a moment for me to take it all in, pray that it will forever be burned in my memory, and move on to the next stage.  Father Time, please slow down just a bit, just for now, just for me!  :)

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine

Day Eight - A Picture of the Person you get in the Most Trouble With

Well, we don't get into too much trouble, but we definitely have a ton of fun!  So here is a pic of my Partners in Crime...Rowena and Sonia.  Two of the best people in my world.  Tons of fun, laughs and good times, always!

Day Eight -- A picture that makes you Laugh

This picture makes me laugh because my boy looks exactly like the little boys in this pewter sculpture, which is why we had him take it!  Too funny!